Philosopher, comedian, relentless attacker of the stupid, the bland and the soul-less, goat boy the antichrist communicator with aliens, smoker, alcoholic and partaker of mind-expanding substances, teller of jokes about religion, auto-felatio, smoking and genocide.
"I'm so sick of arming the world, then sending troops over to destroy the f.ucking arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these little countries, then we go and blow the fu.ck out of them. We're like the bullies of the world, y'know. We're like Jack Palance in the movie Shane, throwing the pistol at the sheepherder's feet.
"Pick it up."
"I don't wanna pick it up, Mister, you'll shoot me."
"Pick up the gun."
"Mister, I don't want no trouble. I just came downtown here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don't even know what gingham is, but she goes through about ten rolls a week of that stuff. I ain't looking for no trouble, Mister."
"Pick up the gun."
(He picks it up. Three shots ring out.)
"You all saw him - he had a gun."
Bill Hicks (speaking about the US electoral system in 1992): "Well, I hope to overthrow the American government and replace it with a freely elected democracy.
"Hitler had the right idea, he was just an underachiever - Bill Hicks
"What do atheists scream when they come?"
"A lot of christians wera crosses round their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back he wants to see a $@$!%%' cross? It's kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on."
"Ever notice that people who believe in creationism look really unevolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. 'I believe God created me in one day'. Yeah, looks liked He rushed it."
Christianity has a built-in defense system: anything that questions a belief, no matter how logical the argument is, is the work of Satan by the very fact that it makes you question a belief. It's a very interesting defense mechanism.
I'm tired of this back-slapping "Isn't humanity neat?" %$%$%@*%. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are.
Go back to bed, America, your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed America, your goverment is in control. Here, here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up, go back to bed America, here is American Gladiators, here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their $@$!%%' skulls together and congratulate you on the living in the land of freedom. Here you go America - you are free to do what well tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!
If the FBI's motivating factor for busting down the Koresh compound was child abuse, how come we never see Bradley tanks smashing into Catholic churches?
I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.
Fundamentalist Christianity - fascinating. These people actually believe that the the world is 12,000 years old. Swear to God. Based on what? I asked them.
"Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages: 12,000 years."
Well how $@$!%%' scientific, okay. I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble. That's good. You believe the world's 12,000 years old?
Okay, I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready?
You know the world is 12,000 years old and dinosaurs existed, they existed in that time, you'd think it would have been mentioned in the $@$!%%' Bible at some point.
"And lo Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus... with a splinter in his paw. And O the disciples did run a shriekin': 'What a big $@$!%%' lizard, Lord!' But Jesus was unafraid and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus's paw and the big lizard became his friend.
"And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch for O so many years inviting thousands of American tourists to bring their fat $@$!%%' families and their fat dollar bills.
"And oh Scotland did praise the Lord. Thank you Lord, thank you Lord. Thank you Lord."
People ask me what I think about that woman priest thing. What, a woman priest? Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.
"Get this, I actually asked one of these guys, OK, Dinosaurs fossils - how does that fit into you scheme of life? Let me sit down and strap in. He said, "Dinosaur fossils? God put those there to test our faith." I think God put you here to test my faith, Dude. You believe that? "uh huh." Does that trouble anyone here? The idea that God.. might be.. $@$!%%' with our heads? I have trouble sleeping with that knowledge. Some prankster God running around: "Hu hu ho. We will see who believes in me now, ha ha." [mimes God burying fossils] "I am God, I am a prankster." "I am killing Me."
People in the United Kingdom and outside the United States share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn't share with itself.
They also have a sense of irony, which America doesn't have seeing as it's being run by fundamentalists who take things literally.
I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out - Bill Hicks
So there, we have figured out, go back to bed America, your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed America, your government is in control again. Here, here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up! Go back to bed America, here's American Gladiators. Here's 56 channels of it. Watch these pituitary retards bang their %@$@!@* skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go America - you are free, to do as we tell you. You are free, to do as we tell you. - Bill Hicks
In many parts of our troubled world, people are yelling 'Revolution!'. In Tennessee they're yelling 'Evolution! We want our thumbs!' - Hicks
I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your $@$!%%' mouth. - Hicks
People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, "Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting?" Guy said, "Way-ul, we didn' wanna be ab-duc-ted." If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for abduction. - Hicks
A war is when two armies are fighting. - Hicks
If you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, then go home and burn all your records, all your tapes, and all your CDs because every one of those artists who have made brilliant music and enhanced your lives? RrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrEAL %@$@!@* high on drugs. The Beatles were so %@$@!@* high they let Ringo sing a few songs...
The musicians today who don't do drugs and in fact speak out against it? "Rock Against Drugs?" BOY do they suck. - Hicks
Because you know if you play New Kids on the Block albums backwards they sound better. "Oh come on, Bill, they're the New Kids, don't pick on them, they're so good and they're so clean cut and they're such a good image for the children." %!#$ that! When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children? I want my children to listen to people who %@$@!@* ROCKED! I don't care if they died in puddles of their own vomit! I want someone who plays from his %@$@!@* HEART! - Hicks
I was in Nashville, Tennesee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: " Hey, whatchoo readin' for?"
Isn't that the weirdest %@$@!@* question you've ever heard? Not what am I readING, but what am I reading *for*? Well, godammit, ya stumped me! Why do I read? Well... hmmm... I dunno... I guess I read for a lot of reasons, and the main one is so I don't end up being a %@$@!@* waffle waitress. - Hicks
I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage. - Hicks
No, I don't do drugs anymore, either. But I'll tell you something about drugs. I used to do drugs, but I'll tell you something honestly about drugs, honestly, and I know it's not a very popular idea, you don't hear it very often anymore, but it is the truth: I had a great time doing drugs. Sorry. Never murdered anyone, never robbed anyone, never raped anyone, never beat anyone, never lost a job, a car, a house, a wife or kids, laughed my #%$ off, and went about my day. - Hicks
Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography and smoking and everything else. What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I %!#$, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet? - Hicks
All governments are lying cocksuckers.
- The Best of Bill Hicks: "Philosophy" (2001)
"Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration - that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There's no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we're the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather."