I'm not asking for advice. But have any of you been through this? How did you handle it?
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aew |
Estranged relatives |
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This weekend, we are going to my nephew's wedding. My father and his wife will be there, and I haven't seen them or spoken to them in about 6-7 years.
I have good enough manners to be polite to them, but I'm suspicious that my father's wife will use this weekend to confront me about my absence from
my father's life. I've already formulated my polite, firm, cool response.
I'm not asking for advice. But have any of you been through this? How did you handle it?
Wisdom is self-regenerating. The more you use it the more you have. It's not using it that causes you to run out. ~ BoardFlak
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SecretSimian |
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I recently saw family members that I hadn't seen in probably a decade (and given my age that's pretty significant) at my grandfather's funeral. I
always thought I'd have something more to say to them or would try to extricate myself from my parent's mess and re-form some kind of bond with them
but when I started talking I realized it wasn't worth the aggravation. I didn't really miss them, I don't feel as if I owe them anything, and
I'm not intending on letting them get in the way of the people I really do love, namely my parents and grandparents. My only advice is figure out how you
feel about the person before you think of what to say and then, if you still think it's important, formulate a response which will most likely be abandoned
because people never say exactly what you want them to say.
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Grace06 |
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Ann you always talk about your wonderful Holiday get-to-gathers with your family. To hear you describe it sounds so great. I suppose its' all from your
Husbands side?
The best I can suggest is you try and be the 'Bigger' person. MHO
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aew |
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You're right, Grace. The wonderful holiday get togethers are with mr. aew's family. I'm not close to anybody in my own family except my mother
and her husband.
Wisdom is self-regenerating. The more you use it the more you have. It's not using it that causes you to run out. ~ BoardFlak
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sear |
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Before we get to the specifics, Dr. Joy Browne says nobody can make you have a tug of war. If you don't want to play, just drop your end of the rope.
I don't know your Dad, but if he insists upon pressing his position upon you, and he gets physically aggressive, ie wanting to stand in front of you and discuss it, you can practice with your husband before hand, to have your husband step in between you and the aggressor (whomever it may be). Then you can put you hand on your husband's back, and push away. Drilling at this maneuver just a few times can make it go quite well at combat speed. BUT !! "I will definitely not initiate a conversation with my father or his wife. And if they push me ..." Ann Ann, Please don't make the terrible mistake of thinking of it as a binary. Your approach here seems to be: it's either my father's way, or my way, period. It's not that way at all. We have hierarchys Ann. And while I don't know, and don't need to know the specific issues between you and your Father, I suggest to you the following. I've never met your Father. But I've met mine. And while my Father and I may have had our differences, he had his priorities. Some issues with him may have been more important than others. But more important than those issues was family. Your Father may not wish to lose an argument. But I strongly suspect he'd rather lose any argument than lose his daughter. So if your Father does approach you, do not make the tragic mistake of thinking he simply wants to resume the argument where it was left off. In fact, he may intend to say to you; I don't care about that; I care about you. And though you may not recognize the peril, it is important that you allow such hatchet-burying within your family, for YOUR benefit. First of all, you can bury the hatchet, and still keep your distance; relegate him to your Christmas card list if you wish. But I suspect you'd only be hurting yourself to do that. But you should also know, it is a classic blunder known to those that study psychology that those that don't resolve these differences with parents are stuck with them and bedeviled by them once that parent has died. And those that study psychology know that those that learn of this rule think: sure, but that doesn't apply to ME. It applies to YOU. So if I were in your situation Ann, I'd be prepared to interrupt your Father if you can tell for certain that he's begun to refight the last argument. In that case you can tell him; I won't refight that with you. I won't try to change your mind. Please do me the same courtesy by not trying to change mine. But also be prepared for the possibility that he thinks you're more important than the argument, and that what he really wants is you; not any ridiculous argument. |
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aew |
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Good replies from all. Thanks. My best bet is to stick close to Mother and her husband. They won't approach them. And if either of them approaches my husband, katy bar the door!
Wisdom is self-regenerating. The more you use it the more you have. It's not using it that causes you to run out. ~ BoardFlak
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Dan Rowden |
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I just have strange relatives.
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aew |
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After having just spent the weekend with mr. aew's family, I can
definitely relate. Har har.
Wisdom is self-regenerating. The more you use it the more you have. It's not using it that causes you to run out. ~ BoardFlak
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SouthernLadyGA |
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My father remarried a year ago....I do not care for his wife. I love my Dad and will not do anything to jeopardize our relationship so I tolerate her.
Mend your fences with your Dad....before it is too late. "You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.
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ethinker1 |
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Folks,
A rabbi once said "Sometimes estrangement is necessary, because the alternative is just too destructive." e. My feeling is that estrangment is a very hard call, and once it's started you can't easily get back again. It's one of those things that needs to be headed off before it sets like concrete. However, if people hurt each other too much all the time, then the Rabbi may be right.
Last Edited By: ethinker1
06/26/08 04:46 AM.
Edited 3 times.
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sear |
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"The best thing I can do with her is to say hello and politely walk away." Ann Almost. If they're both conciliatory, you're home free. You can play it any way you want from there. Warm and fuzzy. Cool and distant. Polite but reserved. Whatever. But if your Father is conciliatory and step-mom is not, you've got viable options. Among them: dodge her, and explain to your Father: Father, I'd be delighted to be on respectful speaking terms w/ you, and your wife. But she's not my mother. And she seems to think I am obliged to defer to her. I'm willing to extend to her the appropriate courtesy her superior age entitles her to. But she would first have to earn that courtesy. And last time I checked, she ... (& then tell him what she does that you don't like). Then leave it up to him. Either he brings her aboard, or he settles for a solo relationship w/ you. The world is your oyster Ann. Just don't gag on the pearl. "I just have strange relatives." Dan You read me like a dime novel Dan? I may have 20 living relatives. But only one of them is willing to treat me with the degree of good manners polite strangers have a right to expect from one another at a bus stop. Dan: it's there loss! |
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Cassakay |
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I'm estranged from my (much) older sibling. Truthfully, I don't consider it much of a loss, and most of my resentment is on behalf of others in my
family who have been treated very poorly.
It sounds like you've got your head on straight about interacting with your father's wife - you won't initiate anything, but you won't be
pushed around or forced into a conversation, either.
"The symmetry of form attainable in pure fiction cannot so readily be achieved in a narration essentially having less to do with fable than with fact. Truth uncompromisingly told will always have its ragged edges; hence the conclusion of such a narration is apt to be less finished than an architectual finial." -Herman Melville
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sear |
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"I always thought I'd have something more to say to them or would try to extricate myself from my parent's mess and re-form some kind of bond with them but when I started talking I realized it wasn't worth the aggravation. I didn't really miss them, I don't feel as if I owe them anything, and I'm not intending on letting them get in the way of the people I really do love ..." SS It seems to me there's kind of an innate notion that maintaining good family ties is worth it. But perhaps it's not quite so. |
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aew |
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Update from the wedding (which was a very happy occasion!): my daughter made eye contact with my father and smiled at him; he turned away. My husband made
eye contact with him, smiled and waved across the room; he turned away. After that, I avoided him and his wife, and they did the same to me.
Sort of anti-climactic, I suppose, but about what I expected. My father's not a fan of emotional confrontations, and neither am I. Other than that, we had a really good time. I don't see my brother and his family that much, so we had fun catching up.
Wisdom is self-regenerating. The more you use it the more you have. It's not using it that causes you to run out. ~ BoardFlak
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Sherezada |
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My father and his wife will be there, and I haven't seen them or spoken to them in about 6-7 years. Wow, that is a long time for not seeing a close relative. I wonder if my daughters will ever have to see their own father after almost 20 years of absence. Some things are better left in the past. But in truth, it's my joke, and I don't even get it. --- Sear |
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Q Paladin |
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I have been...estranged from my younger sister for almost 22 years now. Everybody in the family knows to not mention her name to me or mine to her. The next
time we meet one of us is gonna die, there won't be any tearful reunion in my future as far as she goes. I once grudged against an uncle until he finally
died a few years back, I whistled "Dixie" at his funeral. Since you can't unchain yourself from kin it's best to settle problems quickly, but
in my case the rest of the family won't let me. I can't tell you what to do, it's your life, and life is rough, so wear a cup.
Deo Vindice Veritas, -Paladin ![]() |
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sear |
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- She wore a cup. -
Hillary Clinton's epitaph? |
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